Week 49 : A Slalom Occasion


Light-Heavyweight Name Dropping - Points awarded for speed, grace and audacity. ("So me and the pope were knocking back a few, when Wayne Gretzky says to me, Ernie, he says...")

Synchronized Spinning - Teams of competitors are bombarded with personally devastating news ("You have been indicted for molesting a goat") which they must disseminate in the most positive possible way ("I have been recognized for my work with animals.")

Conscience-Wrestling (Canceled for lack of qualifying entrants)

This Week's contest was proposed by Bill Powers of Arlington, who doesn't win squat because he works at The Post. Bill suggests coming up with events for a Washington Olympics. They can be winter or summer sports, based on bureaucracy or other themes peculiar to Washington, and must include a brief description of the event. First-prize winner gets a professional magician's guillotine capable of severing a human wrist, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 49, The  Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 46, in which you were asked to create a sentence or paragraph that, were it not for this contest, would never otherwise be uttered.

- Sixth Runner-Up: "I'm speaking of Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln, Reagan - guys like that." (Peyton Coyner, Afton)

- Fifth Runner-Up: "I must have gone to the toilet a dozen times the night before I was executed." (Paul Alter, Hyattsville)

 - Fourth Runner-Up: "Hillary, get me a beer!" (Michael Michalik, Frederick)

 - Third Runner-Up: "So, six martinis later, I go to see his `writing awards' and he shows me a trophy case filled with plastic vomit, rubber dog poop, a set of terra cotta lawn pigs, and about a zillion ugly T-shirts!" (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.)

 - Second Runner-Up: "Maybe we should try some of these burlap condoms." (Matt Young, Dale City)

 - First Runner-Up: "We named her Kate ChincoteagueOysterDrool Verba," I explained. "We're hoping to win some cheese." (John Verba, Washington)

 - And the Winner of the Really Fancy Harmonica With Wah-Wah Button: "I, Tonya Harding, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution, so help me God." (Thomas Edward Knibb, Walkersville)

 - Honorable Mentions: 

"Hey, did you hear about some woman named Lorena somebody who cut off her husband's penis?" (Gil Owens, Indian Head) 

"If there are no bones in ice cream, why can't dogs vote?" (Michele L. Uhler, Fort. Washington) 

"Is it barium yet?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 

"I want to be a Rush Limbaugh/Roger Ebert sandwich." (Stephanie Ward, Baltimore) 

"Waiter, could I please have some more parsley?" (Harris Shettel, Rockville) 

"Yes, Mr. Buttafuoco, you will be ordained this Sunday." (Don Thompson, Gaithersburg) 

"Hey, Bill Clinton looks just like Princess Diana!" (Brian Sink, Washington) 

"Do you repair Jell-O?" (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) 

"I hope I'm invited to the bris!" (Susannah Rosenblatt, Annandale) 

"The only practical solution to the population explosion is baby burgers." (Peyton Coyner, Afton) 

"I like when my mother-in-law visits because that affords me the opportunity to massage her feet." (John Knowles, Lorton) 

"The good thing about really cold weather is when you staple your tongue to your ear, you can't feel it." (Jan Verrey, Arlington) 

"My near-fatal tonsillectomy was like owning a Slinky in a house with no stairs." (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) 

"Nurse, do you know where I could buy one of these hospital gowns for myself?" (Harris Shettel, Rockville) 

"While I find your insights into the Platonic origins of `Also Sprach Zarathustra' illuminating, I don't feel your analysis of Nietzsche's influence on Heidegger will stand up on further examination, Mr. Quayle." (Noah Meyerson, Bethesda) 

"Go ahead, have dessert. I am quite confident that sex with you will be worth a $93 dinner tab." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

 - And Last: 

Mozart mentioned the harmonica only once in his writing, dismissing the instrument as "at best a pentatonic duck call; unless someone gives this thing a button for half-notes - or, you know, invents the blues - you may as well GIVE it away." (John Verba, Washington)

 Next Week: Can You Do Verse?